Self  Conscious  Change


After months of telling everyone that I will be putting up a blog, I finally did it! I decided to make one so that I can share my journey, both the ups and downs in my life, with you guys. I may not be very good at this for now but hopefully I improve along the way.


Growing up, I had no confidence in myself. I hated being in pictures, I hated looking at mirrors. My self-esteem was so bad that even if I knew the answer to a question in class, I wouldn’t raise my hand. I did not believe in myself at all. I guess this was because I wasn’t treated as well as my friend were. I wasn’t respected and I felt I wasn’t worthy of respect. I was teased, bullied and called all these ugly names. That’s when I realized things had to change.


My life was a constant battle of Yoyo Dieting. Some days, nothing tasted better than skinny feels while other days all I wanted to do was eat my feelings away. I knew I had to make a drastic change when I was getting sick all the time. I was an athlete. I played soccer everyday yet I was still gaining weight. Something had to be done.

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At the time, what I considered “dieting” was starving myself. I would eat one meal a day ( skyflakes and a can of tuna ) and I thought that was okay. I wanted immediate results even if I knew that wasn’t the healthy way. I resorted to different methods to try and lose weight quickly. I still remember ordering Bangkok pills from multiply ( how old school ). That was a terrible idea! I’d take about 8 pills a day, not feel hungry at all and I would  stay wide awake all night. I lost around 7 pounds in 3 days with those pills. But once I stopped, I gained it all back.

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Another instance I got so obsessed with the idea of being skinny was when I would constantly be on tumblr searching before and after photos of girls . That obsession eventually turned me bulimic for a couple of months. I would eat so much then right after, I would go to the bathroom and force it out. My parents eventually noticed something was up when they would see vomit stains on my bathroom sink.

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Aren’t we all like that though? We always want an easy fix. We always want the quickest way possible when it shouldn’t be like that. If we don’t work hard for what we want then it wouldn’t be worth it. This does not only apply to dieting but this can also be applied to different aspects of our lives. I realized that I shouldn’t be dieting but rather I should be living a healthy lifestyle. I questioned that maybe the source of happiness isn’t about looking good, but rather about feeling good.

At first I thought all the negative comments about the way I looked which I would receive on a daily basis from friends and classmates was the norm, until I started feeling this abrupt sense of stress, anxiety, depression and sadness. I knew that was unacceptable. So I excluded myself from being oppressed by the negative crowd so that I could focus on what’s important: to develop a love for myself.









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